Archive for May, 2011

Shaken not Stirred

Wednesday, May 25th, 2011

“Oh God. Please God, if there is a God. Please.”

An hour of effort, of frustration and determination and even with all of my cautious, methodical planning, I’d forgotten to remove the shaker’s cap. My delicious martini did not lay in my glass, but instead I’d just tossed it down the drain.

I haven’t ventured to make another martini since. Opening a beer has proved easier, less time consuming and just as rewarding.

Monday, May 16th, 2011

Big Deal.

My wife and I are pretty excited. We just bought a piece of heaven. Water front property in Manitoba. . . . Well, it’s water front today.

They’ve designed a golf ball that will eliminate up to seventy percent of your hook or slice. Well call me a skeptic, but I’ve dumped loads of dosh on golfer’s junk , tees, shoes, gloves and an assortment of clubs and they all guaranteed to make my ball go further and straighter. And they do. My balls go much further into the rough than ever before. So, you could spend your money on these gimmicky golf balls or you might consider dropping a few bucks on a lesson.

 Speaking of lessons, I’ve never understood why golf pros give you that first lesson on a nice flat, open stretch of grass. Because for the next few years the only time you’ll see that lovely stretch of fairway is when you’re crossing it to look for your ball in the rough.

 Golf: I’m as accurate at playing golf as I am in archery. Except in archery I’m not obligated to yell “fore

Thursday, May 5th, 2011

A Picture’s Worth A Thousand Words?

 The masses clamour for photographic evidence that Osama bin Laden is absolutely, positively, 100 percent dead and gone. Of course if they release a photo of bin Laden’s brains splattered all over the place , someone will be shouting its a fake. This has been photo shopped.

 Fake: like those who believe that the whole man on the moon in 1969 was fake too. Neil Armstrong wasn’t on the moon. He was on a Hollywood sound stage and there maybe some truth to that because if you look to the far left of the screen you catch a glimpse of Sam, (the butcher)from the Brady Bunch checking out Alice’s rump roast.

 Fake a photo of bin Laden’s demise. Surely not. I suppose next you’ll be trying to convince me that centre folds are air brushed.